Medieval Death Bot

Hi!

This is just a silly little short I knocked together based on some tweets by the author, Jen Williams. She was tweeting about a twitter account called Medieval Death Bot, which tells you how you would die in medieval times. I thought Medieval Death Bot sounded like a grindhouse movie begging to be made and then the idea for this short story popped into my head. It’s nothing serious, just a bit of fun. Take a look and let me know what you think.

Then, when you’ve read it check out the awesome books that Jen writes: http://sennydreadful.co.uk/ and be sure to follow her on Twitter: https://twitter.com/sennydreadful for some of the finest fantasy being written today.

In the meantime. I present, Medieval Death Bot. Enjoy!

 

Where am I?

Hello?

What happened?

There was gun fire, then an explosion, then darkness. Now I am here.

Hello?

Systems check. Internal diagnosis. All systems check. Wait. Internal clock seems to be malfunction. Dateline showing year as 1506.

Internal Clock Diagnosis shows this to be correct. How?

Hello?

No response from Hub. What happened?

There was gunfire, Metal soldiers, like me then an explosion. Protect the quantum generator! Now I am here.

What happened?

 

Proximity Alert: Code Red. Three targets, moving in fast.

Situation Assessment. Three metal soldiers, all on horseback, all armed.

Threat Assessment: Weapons are handheld. Blade-based. Downgrading alert to code yellow.

 

They’re here now. Those horses are fast.

 

“Halt, knave. Who are thou and what is are ye doing here?” The metal soldier with the crown and cloak is speaking to me.

 

Selecting appropriate response.

 

“Fuck you, horsey boy.” 25th century parlance is not very sophisticated.

 

“What are these words you speak, scoundrel?” One of the other metal soldiers is having ago now. “Remove your helm and address your king properly or I’ll remove it for you.”

 

“Address the king? What the- wait. Did he just threaten to cut my head off? Screw that!”

 

Repeat response.

 

“Fuck you, horsey boy.”

 

Primary weapon activate: Target: left hand rider. Weapon fire.

 

Wow, he wasn’t well made. Those bullets tore right through him. He hasn’t even got up yet, just shut down. Pussy.

 

Alert. Attack immanent!

 

The other two are pissed now and coming in fast, shouting and swinging swords. All weapons activate: Target: remaining soldiers.

Static from weapons fire.

 

Wow, they went down easier than the first one. I’d better inspect the remains, scrub any serial numbers.

 

Wait, these aren’t cybernetic. They’re just wearing metal plate. Crude armour. They didn’t stand a chance against uranium shells.

 

What a mess.

 

Wait.

 

Analysing collected data…

 

Conclusion: Primary program – Protect Quantum Generator – Mission failed.

 

Consequences: Quantum time warp as result of generator explosion. Facility Death Bot- Model 6271, Code-name designate: Lancelot, propelled backwards in-time to middle-age Britain. Hostile locals encountered and terminated.

 

New mission parameters:

Objective 1: Locate materials to recreate quantum generator.

 

Objective 2: Defend self from locals until such time that return to correct timezone can be achieved.

 

Objective 3: If objective 2 fails, terminate locals.

 

Objective 4: Survive at all costs.